Everybody Dies

Yes, I know, you were looking for a light, fun piece of reading. Sorry, not today. This is too important a topic to ignore. It was inspired by the recent death of a family member. She was in her 80s, and she had been ill for some time, so her passing was not unexpected. However, when my mom asked what this relative had indicated she wanted for her funeral service, she was told it had never been discussed! This woman had been ill for almost a year and had been living full time with her only child. Don't tell me there was never time.

This is just crazy. As a woman I heard on tv the other day said "dying is a part of living". Solomon echoes this in the famous passage from Ecclesiastes 3

1There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

It is not an easy part to be sure. I know this more than most. However, it is a part none the less. My previous column was about being prepared for weather related issues. It is just as important to be prepared for the end of life.

There are some things everyone needs to do. Yes, this means you.

1. Decide you what you want

Yes, this means you have to think about your own mortality. Get over it. Think about what type of medical interventions you find acceptable under what circumstances. Then write it down so people can understand your philosophy. Mine goes something like this "If a treatment will bring me back to being me and extend my life, use it. If it keeps me from pain, use it. If it's merely prolonging death, don't use it."

What kind of funeral service do you want, if any? Do you want to be cremated? If you want to be buried, what kind of casket do you want, where do you want to be buried, what kind of headstone do you want, etc.?

Who gets your stuff when you pass? You may say "Oh, I don't have much" or "I'll let my kids figured it out when I'm gone". Nope, no free pass. You have to DECIDE. It's not fair to dump it off on your grieving relatives after you die. 

2. Have documents that support your vision in #1

This means you must WRITE IT DOWN. You need to have documents that will allow a designated person (along with a couple backups hopefully) to make medical decisions for you if you aren't able. You need to write down your treatment philosophy so the person knows what you would and doesn't have to anguish over doing the right thing.

You need a will at a minimum. A trust would be better. Not having an estate plan is bad for you but good for the lawyer you will have to hire. Case in point- the life insurance people would not discuss payout with my relative's only child because my relative didn't leave a will. Thus, her child is going to have to hire a lawyer to get this straightened out.

If you have minor children, you MUST have guardianship arrangements for them in the unlikely event you and their other parent pass at the same time. Otherwise, the courts will decide who raises your kids. Do you really want to leave something that important to chance?

You can purchase a Will and Trust kit from Suze Orman's website. It has step by step directions and is customized for your specific state. It's what I used to do my documents. There are lots of others online I'm sure, or you can also contact a lawyer who specializes in such things. The most important thing is to GET IT DONE.

3. Talk to your family about #1 & #2

It does no good if you go through the first 2 steps but no one knows about it. Talking about it does not hasten your death. It just means you have made preparations for whenever it does occur, even if it's 50 years in the future.  

If you are medically incapacitated, whoever is making your treatment decisions can't follow your wishes if they don't know what they are. The person arranging your funeral is unlikely to magically guess what you would have wanted. Dividing up your possessions in accordance with your wishes without knowing your wishes is difficult. My own grandparents finally did a will a couple years ago but didn't tell anyone until recently. It wouldn't have been too useful because no one would have known of its existence.

My point is not to depress you. Rather, it's to save your family headaches and heartaches. A little preparation goes a long way. We will all die. Thus we all need to make these arrangements.